


Impressions

by littlewonder



Category: Glee
Genre: Homophobic Language, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Resentment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-16
Updated: 2020-06-16
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:21:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24749782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlewonder/pseuds/littlewonder
Summary: Karofsky's own worst enemy is himself, although the world around him certainly contributed to that.But then there's Kurt. Karofsky doesn't know what to do with the thought of him. Kurt is so much prouder, so much stronger, and Karofsky only wishes he could have that kind of freedom.
Relationships: Kurt Hummel/David Karofsky
Comments: 1
Kudos: 7





	Impressions

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted to [LJ](https://littlewonder2.livejournal.com/25585.html)

Dave doesn't really care about hugging his mom. It doesn't really make a difference to him, she's just some woman. His mum, yeah, but it's not weird like it should be. He isn't even that pissed when the guys make jokes about her, like the other guys do about each other's moms. It isn't that he doesn't like his mom, Dave has an alright relationship with her, but she's just his mom.

When his dad hugs him, it feels weird. He can't help imagining it not really being his dad at all; he imagines he's holding some dude, someone he "likes". Doesn't matter who, just some faceless fantasy. He wonders if that dude would hold him like this. He wonders if this is how guys in real relationships hold each other on a daily basis, guys in romantic relationships with each other.

And then he feels disgusted with himself, because this was his _dad_ for Christ's sake! Was he really that sick and perverted that he thought of his dad that way? Or was it just generics, and didn't really count? Sometimes he really wishes he was sent to live with his mother instead, but they figured he would be more comfortable with his dad, and who was Dave to argue with that?

Dave felt disgusted with himself every time he was forced to say, "I love you," to his dad. He couldn't stop his mind travelling down some dark corner, some retarded, twisted, sick, wrong corner of his mind. He tried to avoid it if he could, but he didn't want to make his dad suspicious of him; the guy still thought he was still a good little boy - and even that phrasing brought on perverted ideas.

Dave was filled with shame and hatred of himself. And it was no wonder, since every little thing could become an innuendo in his mind. Every bro-like gesture between him and Azimio, every stride Hummel made passing him, every time Schuester or some other guy teacher leaned in too close while trying drill home some lecture to him... everything had potential to set Dave off. And it all built up in his mind, because he couldn't say any of this to anyone. Even if there was anyone who knew he was gay, what would they think of him?

And when Dave got set off, he couldn't help his mind wandering. He usually tried to cover it up by looking some girl up and down instead of a guy, but it wasn't always easy. When his mind wanders, it really wanders. He fantasises about guys, guys he knew from school, friends, jocks, even that damn Hummel, sexual fantasies mostly.

But occasionally they go down even worse roads, like coming out to those guys, as if to justify why he can't. And often there are those fantasies where he has to objectify them, because really, if he doesn't in at least in some form, how would he live with himself? He can't let it become real.

These thoughts aren't natural, they're all wrong, like a disease. It's like he has dyslexia, only so much lower than that. He doesn't like the shame that comes with it, entering into every corner of his life, his mind, his very being. He just has to push it down, forget about it, its the only way he can get through it. Dave knows fully well that its there, he can't escape it, but he just can't let himself go around people.

It wasn't his fault his sexual frustration led him to bully. Even that didn't help, got him going more, but it was a way to let out even as little as a locker shove got him. And it wasn't his fault Hummel had chased him, that he'd cornered him, that the thought had risen up like a bubble close to rapids. It was both out of righteous anger over Hummel's accusation, and Dave's pent-up longing that drove him to kiss the fag.

Surprise.

But there was nothing righteous about kissing another dude. Still, that righteous anger had disappeared as soon as their lips had met. All he knew was that he wanted...wanted Hummel so badly. And he wasn't fighting back. His eyes were full of horror when they parted, but he wasn't fighting back. Maybe that meant Hummel wanted him too. Maybe he was just too shit-scared to admit it, too.

But Dave was pushed back as soon as he began to move in again. Now the horror on his face was really clear. Now that Dave was no longer so close to Hummel, his vision cleared and he saw the horror for what it really was. And all that subtext flew out the window. At least for the moment.

It wasn't anything more than it was. It was just sexual assault. And really, was that all Dave had been reduced to, forcing himself on a wuss like Hummel, just out of desperation to feel another guy in his arms? It was all wrong, it wasn't supposed to happen like this, and Dave banged his fists against the locker in desperate gloom. Dave was just wrong.

He ran away, just like he was trying to running away from all this. Dave was in some deep shit now, and he needed to get out of here.

For the next week, though, no one was any different than before, no one knew. He walked around confused, wondering at Kurt's angle, wondering what he was up to. He swung between cocky to shit-scared again, unable to find solid ground. He didn't trust Kurt for one second, because what kind of dude would let slide something like this, when he had already been tormented so much up to this point? But after facing Hummel (in public), he didn't do a thing else.

Dave would be the last to admit he actually liked Kurt Hummel, but the moment that week he had winked at him, he knew. He blamed the kiss; ever since then, he hasn't been able to keep down the thoughts about Kurt in particular, and Kurt wasn't even his favourite fantasy before.

A Kurt fantasy was the kind that came up every time he felt like a dirty fag. He was his most disgusting fantasy, taking pleasure and pain. Which meant that a Kurt reality was the kind that made him even more miserable, made him hate himself more than ever before. Why did it have to be him...? Because anyone else, and his secret was out...

He also blamed that damned kiss for giving Kurt entirely the wrong impression. He didn't like him, he didn't (though every time he tried to convince himself of that, he just flashed immediately back to those fantasies), it had just been a fleeting urge, just like all of them, only this time he hadn't pushed it down. He had really dug himself into a hole now. That hole could be his proverbial grave if he didn't play his cards right.

Mostly, Dave didn't know what he had done right. But there was no answer to that; it was all Hummel. Dave didn't know what he did to bring it on, but soon Hummel gave his own impression to Dave, before it got really bad and Hummel jumped when he was around. "It's just ignorance," the fag told him. "You reading anything into everything, its just ignorance. If you knew a thing about any of it, you wouldn't think like that. You need to learn about what it means to be gay."

Dave quickly hushed him, before saying in a low voice, "I am gay. What more is there to know? I think I know myself well enough."

"You keep telling yourself that, Karofsky. See where that gets you." And he walks away, all high and mighty, like he knows everything and Dave knows nothing. But the truth is, Dave's a lot smarter than most people think he is; he isn't an idiot. The hard truth is, there's not a person on earth who knows the real Dave Karofsky, the whole him.

Fact was, though, that Dave had no interest in 'learning what it means'. He was in the closet, so what difference did it make? So he went on as if nothing had happened, denying everything. Even when he was dragged into a parent-teacher meeting with Hummel.

He was raging on the inside the whole time. Instead of acting on it though, he was reduced to awkward moments and weak expressions. He hated Hummel so much. His mask was crumbling. He was expelled. It was barring a miracle that it didn't stick.

Hummel left after that. At least that was one less thing for Dave to worry about. Even if he missed him; without the queer, what else was Dave supposed to aim at?

Maybe this was good. Maybe he could cure himself of these infatuations once and for all. No temptations. Even Dave knew that was crap.

Then Santana screwed everything up for him. She said she caught him checking out Sam's ass. He totally wasn't even, he was just owning the corridors. Not that she would believe that anyway. As Santana continued, Dave started to wonder if any of this would just go away. He just wanted to be left alone. He wanted to bolt out of there, but he didn't want to cause a scene.

Then she introduced her proposal. It was a blackmail. Either join her campaign for prom and set up this gay anti-bullying gig, or she blabs. He has no other options. He has to accept.

And then Kurt returns, and it all comes back around. This time, he was able to fool his dad back into believing in the vision of himself Dave had always projected. But that doesn't change the fact that Kurt is back. Nor the fact that someone else knows, someone besides Kurt who could hold it all above his head unless he gives in to her every command.

Kurt wastes no time in sinking his claws into Dave to blackmail too. But that doesn't mean he holds it against him. Two people (three if you include Kurt's fruity boyfriend) know his secret, and they're both (all) gay. Dave is lucky, he guesses. At least Kurt, unlike Santana, has some grace about it. Dave has grown soft. His conscience has caught up with him as well as the social pressure from the two of them.

And suddenly, Kurt becomes a stand-in for his father, someone he can walk down the halls with as if they're really 'together', just to satisfy some sick urge inside him. It clearly never was enough before, but Dave has changed a lot.

A day doesn't pass that he doesn't remember the kiss, especially in that gay bullywhips uniform, walking Kurt from class to class, and he misses it, but the memory of it's become a substitute, though sometimes makes him miserable at the loss of it, but somehow is also something that soothes him.

But he also knows that his walking Kurt everywhere is making people talk. It uneases him to see people whispering sometimes and know by their stares they're talking about him. Wondering if he's gay. Wondering if he's with Kurt. It's humiliating. Yeah, the idea itself makes him happy, but he just can't deal with all these stares.

Then Azimio is there, making fun of him to his face like he's just some other glee nerd. At least he never gets slushied, but still, Azimio used to be his best friend. Azimio delivers a threat, and then he's gone.

Tragic part is, he never really understood the threat until it was too late. It's near the end of prom, and Kurt's got his dance, if not with him. He could've done it, he was so close. At the time, all he could think of was the fear, but now he ached with the longing he had denied himself. That's when he saw Azimio, then he remembered, and suddenly he was filled with hate and anger.

"This is it?" he demanded, having marched straight up to him, "This is what your big plan was? Humiliate me at prom? How'd you do it? How'd you get everyone to vote your way?"

"Hey, don't look at me, the Hummel thing wasn't my idea. I just went along with it, you know? And I thought, what better way to get back at you but to vote you into it with him? So I spread that idea, and the Kurt thing just took off, you know? You shouldn't have gone around the whole school with him like you were boyfriends, you brought this on yourself! Now excuse me while I take my girl date home!" he said, and he walked off through the crowd.

Dave had to know who had started the gag vote. He marched around the room in a rage, looking for them, and finally was pointed to a small group of boys, skinny, spike-haired, cockily laughing about the whole thing. Dave went up to them and found out it was them all along.

***

In theory, Dave is just as strong as Kurt. But life doesn't work in theory.

Dave is utterly alone, and he knows it. He knew it from the moment he ran away from Kurt, refusing to dance with him. Nobody cared about him anymore. That's why he went off like he did at the end of the night. Nobody went after him, not even any of the teachers. No one could care less about him.

Not Kurt (he waited up), not Santana. Not glee, nor football, nor the school staff. And his dad didn't know. His dad didn't know a thing about him, and there's a reason for that. No one is as accepting as some of them may seem, including his father.

He knows his dad isn't homophobic, but he knows he was once. And after everything, he knows no one ever really changes completely. His dad is very set in his own personal ideals, and if Dave steps outside of them, nothing will save him from his father's scrutiny.

Coming out now would just make things worse. He was already backed against the wall with blackmail at school. Even if he tried to break free of it, he would absolutely be blackballed by everyone he knew. Then he would really be alone.

Dave throws back the same insults he's heard before, the ones that used to hurt him, because that's what you do when you're trying to be "normal".

The thing about Dave is that he looks like a stereotype, but that's really just more what he wants to be, than what he is; he gets As and Bs, and he's gay. He can perform, he even enjoys it, and in a world without consequences, he would join glee club in a heartbeat. He is far from the typical jock.

But due to reasons he's terrified to voice out loud, he lets people think he is.

"NO, don't do that! Don't try to act all forgiving and sympathetic, and you're just gonna come along and kiss it better and everything'll be alright!" cried Dave. "Because it's not. It never was! You're just gonna act like I'm just some poor, dumb, misled teenager, and I'm not! You think you're better than anyone else? Well, you're not! So DON'T!"

"Come on, David, you don't mean that. It could be all fine, if you just let it. Just tell me, what's wrong?" pried his dad.

"NO!" cried Dave, pulling from his grasp, running away. "You don't know SHIT!"

"Dave..." tried his dad. "Please don't do this. Come here, and let me hold you."

"FUCK SOCIETY, FUCK RELIGION, AND FUCK YOU!"

"David, I know you're angry, but can we just talk about this? What is this about, anyway?"

"What is it about?" cried Dave. "It's about you, it's about me, it's about school, it's about EVERYONE! Don't you get it? I'm just sick of everything!"

"Okay, I get it, this is about me being too rough on you with your workload. So I'm gonna back off, give you some space, and I'll come back in a few hours and we'll talk. Okay?"

Dave was about to yell back, saying it's not okay, saying he doesn't understand a thing, accusing him of never having a real conversation with Dave. But still, that fear, that inexcusable, gut-wrenching, immobilising, paralysing fear took over. Dave said nothing, and his dad left the room.

It wasn't the work. It so easily could've been, he even wished it were for once, but it wasn't. His dad was too simple-minded, too blind to his son to realise that. And in a way, in a bizarre, detached way, he wasn't far worse than Kurt on this either.

Kurt presumes to know Dave, really wants to help, even. He has good intentions, and Dave appreciates it, but good intentions aren't good for shit. He has a gentle heart, and deep down, so does his dad. And to Dave, that's the best and worse thing about him. Because its nice to know the world still has room for those types, even gives him hope that it might make it all right. But he knows its false hope, and knowing people like that just makes him feel worse and worse about the person he is.

The world is not made up of those types. They are a minority in a world where majority rules, and if you're not a part of that majority, you may as well join the circus. The minority may contain the brightest stars, but they were losers here, and always would be.

It was better this way. Really.

The reason Dave had yelled what he had, was because he was tired of being a walking hypocrite. He was tired of being lectured. He was tired of being pitied. He was tired of being labelled one thing or another, because he knew they were just different sides of him that he projected to or hid from different groups of people for his own reasons, but he was tired of the constant charade.

That was one thing that Kurt truly knew about him. But that didn't mean he could help. Neither could his dad, so they may as well stop trying, leave him to his own shell. Dave didn't know if one day he would explode from it like a volcano, but it was his right to try it that way, wasn't it? It was his own life.

The way things were going lately, though, he didn't know if he'd make it to his twenties, let alone what Santana had predicted for him. It was all blackmail and webs of lies, it had become a precarious thing, not unlike manhood itself. He was afraid that it would get too tangled to free himself from. He was afraid more and more people would find out, and eventually, it wouldn't just be more gay people.

Seriously, there were more gays in this school than he could've expected. I mean, Santana...

But Dave was a man. Men don't go around acting like fruity queers. He just had to tough it out, act masculine. Because he knew he couldn't talk to anyone. Even the ones who seem like you could talk to, the ones that seem understanding. Like Santana did.

Because no one ever acts like you expect. Better or worse, doesn't make a difference. Because no one really understands, not even if they're in the same position. You'd think they would, until you realise how personal your problems are. She has hers and Dave has his, but neither really cared outside their own interests.

It's the same with everyone. No matter how kind or trustworthy people may seem, they are really just condescending and judgemental. Its not just Santana. Its Kurt, its dad, its everyone in the school, no matter who they are. Everyone's more alone than they want to admit. Dave's more alone than them all combined.

It doesn't make it any easier when those condescending people, the ones who try to be kind, try to help. All they ever do is offer empty assurances, and that does less than nothing. It makes Dave question which ones mean it and which ones don't. It makes Dave not want to trust anyone at all.

His father came back in a couple of hours, finding Dave sitting calmly. Dave looked up at him. "I want to transfer."

His dad looked at him with sad eyes, like he actually understood for once. He agreed. Then he revealed his wisdom, for the first time. "You're right. I'm sorry for being so blind, son. Of course this is about how the school treated you at the prom. It's okay, I'll find a new school for you. I suppose this was overdue, anyway..."


End file.
